What I Said vs. What I Meant

 

I shared this meme the other day. You’ve probably seen it:

“Your lack of commitment is insulting to the people who believe in you.”
— Sharran Srivatsaa

And listen… OF COURSE it hit.
Why wouldn’t it?

Especially on the same day I was working on a visual art typography piece that basically said the opposite:

“Please, do NOT depend on me. I WILL disappoint you.”

The timing wasn’t lost on me.
I’m not shocked anymore when messages come crashing in while I’m mid-thought, mid-idea, mid-intention.
This blog is intentional for me, so I figured:
Why not show the night and day of how my mind works?

I woke up that morning thinking about the many, many times I’ve disappointed people.
And myself.
Not showing up when I said I would.
Not being fully immersed in the planning of showing up for myself like I always say I will.

Both of those truths? Mine.
Both of those failures? Mine too.

So when that meme showed up, it felt like a slap.
Naturally, I shared it with a threatening caption:

“@ me next time.” or something to that effect. 

Because I am a walking contradiction—or at least I think I am.

what I was working on before the slap and my cap...tion, 
 “Please, do NOT depend on me, I will disappoint you.”

I meant that.

On a deeper level than the sentence says.
There was structure planned for that message:

• The lowercase “i” stood for ownership.

• The bold emphasis on “not” and “disappoint” carried weight. It was art.

It was real.

It was relatable

It still is.

But then this other message came in. And now I’m here.

In the middle.

I’ve disappointed people.
I’m almost 50.
That weight is real.

But the meme? It didn’t just remind me of failure.
It reminded me that I have no real reason not to be walking fully in my gifts.
Proudly. Publicly.
Sharing what I know I have, without fear.

But fear… is still here.
Because it’s real.
Because despite everything I own—my gifts, my knowing—
I am still met with self-doubt.
Still haunted by past traumas.
By unkind words that got trapped in a pre-teen girl
who only wanted to use her gifts to escape.

The contradiction of it all?
I still escaped—just into nothingness.

Nothing but the belief that what was said and done to me
were answers about who I am—
even though I never asked the question.

Even when I try to reject that version of myself,
my life choices show me otherwise.
Every time I chose not to show up for myself—
in spaces of support,
in moments where people were waiting for me—
I failed to see my own worth reflected in their belief.

Still, here I am.
Piecing together peace.
Creating intention.
(Which, let’s be honest, I’ll probably keep mentioning as a reminder to myself.)

I am surrounded by my gifts.
They are waiting to escape this time.
Not away from something—but into something.

So in my world, both messages are true.
The meme’s words.
My words.

Disappointment wears different faces.

Both live in me.
Both speak when they need to.

Maybe I am a contradiction—
but maybe contradictions
are just clarity still in progress.

Thanks for reading.
I’m still figuring it out.